Touch de duck... I keel you

[Thanks for these Kazza... ]

"Touch de duck... I keel you."



"It was only a little pee, why the 30 minute timeout?"







"So Dad left when he found out about Mom and the Panda."
These gave me a laugh, hope I bought a smile to your face.


Oh and wow, this morning was incredible. I am driving into work along a dual carriageway and I see about 20 foot up a bird of prey - I think a Buzzard - with an animal held within its claws. I think by the dangling legs maybe a rabbit. Anyway the Buzzard is struggling a bit and then lets go of the rabbit. I watch it fall onto a car that was driving in the opposite direction. It was so funny; I wonder if the driver thought it was raining rabbits cos he probably didnt see the Buzzard from his angle.

Busy Bee

I certainly have been a busy bee today.

I dropped Mrs K off at the station at 7am and went straight back home. Firstly I tidied the kitchen then shifted all of the furniture from the bedroom. I managed to oil our wooden bedroom floor all by 9am.

At 9am I switched on my PC, logged into my works servers and got busy with my days work - I was working from home today. I worked through lunch and finished up early to watch the end of Andy Murray's (tennis) match. He won in straight sets. I am not sure if I want him to win or not; he has asserted previously (before he counted up how much potential sponsorship he could lose) that he is Scottish rather than British. If he is Scottish, then I am English. If he is British, then so am I. Actually it is academic cos I think Federer will win.

Next was to go outside and mow the field for a couple of hours. Then to tidy up as our cleaner is here tomorrow (though I have done half the cleaning) , then a bath - it is so humid here and I honked after the days work - and finally a sit down at my laptop in front of the box.

Unfortunately the floor is still sticky so I am sleeping in the spare room tonight (I had to make the bed up earlier.) The dogs see it as their room so I am sure they are not going to be happy tonight. Its strange though as there is no tv in their so I am sat in the lounge til beddie bys. ;-)

I am doing much better than last week. Maybe it is because I have given up the drink - afterall alcohol is a depressant. Or maybe because I expressed some of what's going on in my head. Or that I am doing something different at work this week for our HR department - I like doing 'people' stuff and makes a nice change to my normal work. Also I told Mrs K on Monday night some of the things that had been swirling round and she re-assured me that it would be OK.

Facing up, part one

When we returned from Brussels in April there was a box of flowers outside the front door with a balloon aloft.

My heart sunk.

I knew it was some flowers sent for my birthday - from my sister - and immediately I felt guilty and pressured (by myself) into how I was to respond.

I scooped them up and put them in the hall and grabbed the post. I sorted the post into piles; mine, Mrs K's and joint. I then took my pile and tossed the bills into one pile and was left with two envelopes I knew to be birthday cards. One was from my aunt and uncle. They always send me a homemade card even though I always forget their special days! They signed the card with 'xx's as always.

I recognised the handwriting on the other card as my mothers. I tossed it on the side and muttered something to Mrs K; I don't remember what.

Half hour later I read the card. I read it holding it with an out-stretched arm; as if it was potentially dangerous. I cant remember precisely what it said (I have only read it one other time since) but it was along the lines of that they think of me every day and wish me health and happiness. My initial reaction was two-fold, as I tossed the card onto the kitchen side.
"Why now? You ignored my fortieth but it seems not my forty-first."
and that I noticed a difference in contrast with the card that my aunt and uncle had sent which had xx's. Theirs didn't.

I have only had two conversations about it subsequently. One with Mrs K who (I cant remember the exact words) said something along the line of "W*nkers" and one with someone at work who said " isn't that what you want - contact?"

Since then I have kept stoom.

There have been a number of thoughts that have come into my head and then I try and squash them out.

1. Did I confront them with the letter I sent to please my old therapist?
[Please note reader that in saying this I take total responsibility for my own actions and that I always have the final decision as to my actions]

2. I try to imagine the hurt they are feeling and it pains me.

3. How will I feel when they die? I almost expect when one dies the other will write me, a month or so after the fact, and tell me that it was my fault.

And then their remains the big elephant in the room. What shall I do about my sister? I haven't had contact with her for 18 months. The ball is in my court. I suspect contact with my sister comes with baggage. Baggage of my parents in the background. And also Mrs K is none too happy with my sister. See's her as really manipulative. So if I see my sister I see her on my own. And I avoid that as I don't feel up to it. Will I ever be? Again another guilt I carry.

So folks, at least I have opened one of the boxes by writing this.

I am here.

I feel really miserable to tell you the truth. Have done for a while. I guess I am not very good at talking about it and I have been bottling and bottling things up. Or should I say pushing thoughts into tight boxes and hoping they go away. They dont.

When I had a counsellor, then by talking to someone that somehow helped me talk about things in general outside of the sessions with other people. It helped me write about whats inside of me here on this blog too. And in that expression it helped me. Kind of once its outside of me then its cathartic.

I cant keep going on like I am. I am tired. I am also fraught internally. I have been drinking too much. Well too frequently - about 5 nights a week I am slugging back a few shorts.

I feel irritable. I keep it inside of me so I dont think I am any different with people at work.

I think I have left rather a number of random comments on peoples blogs. And on my own. I apologise if I have offended anyone or used swear words that offend. I dont think I have (except on my own blog), but you never know. Somehow I feel somewhat ashamed of myself. The voice in my head is saying "you have let yourself down."

The old internal critical wont shut up and has been brutal maybe. It is incessant.

Anyone I dont want this to be a poor me blog. Rather I wanted to tell someone what is going on in my head. To share and maybe that will lighten my load.

I will tell you what is on the lid of those boxes which I dont want to open.

One is labelled 'family.' It has been 61 days since I received the card from my parents. The sub-labels on this are 'guilt?' and 'have I / what is I have done the wrong thing?' and 'next steps.'

The next box is labelled 'work.' I am just not enjoying work at present. And my work days are filled with insecurity.

Anyway. I will leave it there.

Redacted

Over the last week, most nights I have thought about a post to write, then just havent been in the mood. I thought tonight that I would just try and capture what is going on in my head at the moment. My brain is in overdrive at the moment lol! Though it seems, I am not in the mood!

And I have frozen up!

Oh well. Hope you my blogger friends are well.

xx

My pearl of wisdom for tonight

1. Back yourself.

And as an aside, no-one on this earth loves me more than my doggies. The look on their faces when I got home tonight; pure love. I wish I could burn it in my heart forever.


Ill explain more at the weekend.

BACK YOURSELF by believing in yourself.

{{{{xxooxx}}}}

Catch-up

1. Its my doggie Ben's birthday today - Happy Birthday Ben!!! We sang him the Happy Birthday song tonight. Saying that, it may not be his actual birthday cos we dont know when that was. I guess he is like royalty - cos we designated 15th June as his official birthday when he walked into our life 8.5 years ago!


2. I DIY-ed on saturday and finally got round to finish putting up the skirting board in the bedroom- it now feels like a newly decorated room!

3. I went to sleep at mid-night on saturday night and slept through to 3pm on sunday. Wow! I must have needed it. Though I realise I dreamt a lot. Cant remember much about the dreams, they were so busy, but centred around tracing my ancestry roots and finding my "book" of life. Very odd.

4. Stood in the patio-doorway having a fag last week and eek!!! I looked upwards and there was a mass of baby spiders - probably just hatched! You cant really see them too clearly in this picture I took, but you get the general idea. I wondered how long they had been there. Thank-fully they have now dispersed.


5. I have quite taking the codeine phosphate. I guess that is what I did last time I was prescribed them. They ended up making me too irritable.

6. Watched my cousin on TV tonight. It is odd watching someone on the box who you know outside of the box, so to speak. Our respective fathers are identical twins and it has been said that we are quite alike. I wish I was a thin as she is!

Yea

Just over twenty years ago, I had – if I recall the exact measurements correctly – 4 foot of my bowel (terminal ileum and ascending colon to be more precise) removed. I guess it was painful (though as they say with childbirth, the memory of the intensity of the pain reduces over time) but my abiding memory was the pleasure of the pain drug, morphine, that I was given by injection every 4 hours for 3 and a half days. After the jab, I remember it hitting my system and feeling this euphoria for about 10 minutes before I fell asleep.

I have had a bad stomach for a number of months now (basically my euphemism for severe diarrhoea) and after my experiences in Rome (I couldn’t hydrate sufficiently so had the headache from hell) I decided I better visit the doctors. I wasn’t looking forward to it as basically I have “seen the film, worn the T-shirt...” and know what prodding they like to do when they see on my notes that I have “Crohns.” My preoccupation was that I was determined that the doctors wasn’t going to shove some scope up my arse (yes, one of their more popular exams.) I told him the doc that it was probably cos I had a stomach bug, but I wanted some medication to sort it out. He duly obliged, but rather than prescribe Imodium (what I wanted) he prescribed Codeine Phosphate. As I said I was preoccupied with protecting my arse (literally) rather than ensuring I got what meds I wanted.

I have had Codeine before. It disagrees with me, or rather I like it a bit too much that I find it hard not to abuse it. I reckon I am a cheap date – cos the dose isn’t particularly high – but high in my tolerance level. [I had it in my twenties and had to ask the doctor to take me off it as I started to take it for its euphoria effects. Having a bad day? - well pop a few extra tabs. ]

So fuck it, I started the drug yesterday and I find the euphoria as relatively intense. It takes about 15 minutes for the drug to take effect (I take one tab x 4 a day) and I feel this warm feeling come over my body. On an empty stomach is best. Actually I find it hard to describe. A slight tingling but not horrible tingling you get with cramp. And I find a smile will form across my face. Any grumpiness I may be feeling evaporates. I guess the feeling is described as euphoria. Though maybe that is the wrong word as I am not Hare Hare Krishna happy clappy. Mellow, but not mellow like what you have with weed. I guess relaxed; my body is relaxed and I find myself drifting. A gentle floating.

I thought I would test out tonight how it mixes with alcohol – as I said cheap date. Only need two drinks and then I am in the warm zone.

Cool.

I have a months supply. Maybe I will get the drug changed next month. Yes, boring. But fuck it; I will enjoy it for now. I am a measured person I think.

Rome, part two

The Colisseum was commissioned by the Emperor Vespasian in AD72 and stands out as the landmark across the city, and was the largest amplitheatre built in the Roman Empire. It opened in AD80 and it has been estimated that about 500,000 people and over a million wild animals died in the Colosseum games.

In the foreground of this picture you can see how the amplitheatre floor would have been. Underneath the arena the wild beasts, criminals and gladiators would have been kept prior to 'combat.'


Over the years, much of the Colliseum (Marble and Travertine structures) was plundered. In fact part of the Colliseum was used for the construction of St Peters square.

Seating would have covered these structures.


Looking out from the Colisseum to the Arch of Constantine.

Looking out across the Roman Forum; the centre of political, commercial and judicial life in ancient Rome.

Next stop was the Pantheon; the Roman temple of "All the Gods." What is amazing about the Pantheon, is its only source of light - the oculus. It is a marvel of Roman engineering (Emperor Hadrian designed in in AD118-125.)

In the evening, we visited the Trevi fountain. The place was buzzing with energy. There were loads of people full of excitement. It was Mrs K's favourite place. The whole square was dominated by a fountain, which emerged from the side of a building. The central figures are Neptune, surrounded by Tritons.


I stood with my back at the edge of the fountain, and in the tradition threw a coin over my shoulder and made a wish. The same wish I made when I held the foot of St Peter previously, in St Peters Basilica.

It would be unlucky for me to reveal it, so I wont. If it comes true (and I will know in the next 4 months) then I will tell you.

There were steps down to the fountains edge so Mrs K couldnt get there. So she sat in her chair about 8 meters away and lobbed a coin into the fountain. Luckily, as she had her back to the fountain, she didnt hit anyone! Actually I havent asked her what she wished for; that would be unlucky.

Voting day

Tomorrow is voting day in the UK; we vote for our representatives within the European Parliament. If you follow UK politics you will know that the news has been dominated in the last four weeks by the expenses scandal of our British parliament.

In general, the British public have lost trust in our parliament. [I must say I looked at my pay slip this month and thought - well my £x paid in tax has bought an MP a new duck moat for their pond in their second home.]

It is expected that the impact will be a low turn-out and the non-mainstream parties will pick up a larger share of the vote.

Mrs K and I will vote tomorrow; women lost their lives to get us the vote and we will respect that by excersing our right to vote.

But tonight I havent the foggiest as to whom I will vote for. Or rather in these elections you vote for a party.

Sarky Kahless

At lunch-time today I drove into town where there is a Kwik-fit. For those outside of the UK it is a chain of garages where you can pitch up and have your car tyre's replaced.

They said they were busy but would have new front tyres on the car within an hour, so I left them the keys and toodled off into town. An hour later and on walking back into the garage I see my car has still has the same bald front tyres. So I went to reception and ask the guy whats up.

"We'll be about two more minutes"

"Come on, you haven't started yet, are you seriously going to replace both tyres in two minutes."

"Well, it will be 25-30 minutes."

"But you said 1 hour and I have to get back to work."

[he shrugged]

"Kwik-fit, my arse" I added. "I'll take my business elsewhere."

So I drove off. My pissed-off-ed-ness dissipated within two minutes and I thought to myself, shit. Now I will have to repeat the whole process and go somewhere else tomorrow! Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face!

Anyway, I will leave you with another photo's from Italy...

This is from a side-street, a couple of random Roman pillars!! That was some of the charm of Rome, around almost every street there was something...
And also note that the Smart car has parked perpendicular rather than parallel to the kerb, just like a motor bike.

Roma

Rome was ab-so-lute-ly stunning.

And that was despite my footie team losing. Well actually, they didn't really turn up for the match at all. But as Basil Faulty would say - "don't mention the war"; so 'nuff said on that one!

I must say Rome has knocked Moscow off my top spot as my favourite city. Mrs K and I really relaxed. It was about 30 degrees which was great. I like warmth.

We pretty much stuck to the schedule I detailed in the previous post. So on Tuesday we visited the Vatican. I must say, the artwork was beautiful, but - and I know I am a heathen - after seeing a few pretty Raphaelite graffiti paintings they all merged into one and by the time we reached the Sistine Chapel we were 'oh yeh...another painted ceiling.'

So here is the famous Sistine Chapel floor....


Ha! Actually here is a piccie of a room that was sealed off en route to the Sistine Chapel, by the Archives, which I thought was more attractive! It is "The Sistine Hall of the Vatican Library"



And this is another area which I espied through a gate and took the photo through a peep-hole! I have Internet searched and it is "The Braccio Nuovo ( The New Wing ) " full of Greek Art.



Next was St Peters'...this is the view from the Basilica across the square. It was an immense square.



On Wednesday, we went to the Stadium Olympico for the footie.



Moving on swiftly, Thursday we went to the Coliseum and surrounding 'Forum' area. Then we visited the Panthion and in the evening the Trevi fountain...

I think I will save all of that (+ pictures) for my next post....

In the moment

I have just been reading a post, linked by Casey on her blog. It talks of the continuing atrocities in Iraq.

Then I went outside for a fag. I lent against my hop tub and stared up at the sky. It is a beautiful night; the sky is full of stars. I was thinking about the book I just read "angels and demons" by Dan Brown. And in it one of the characters - a Roman Catholic priest, explains why God does not intervene in human suffering. As I recall he responds to the question with another "if you knew your child would fall off and scrape his knee if he rode a skateboard, would you still let him."

And I was thinking that when I read the book I nodded in agreement. But now I thought "what crap" You cant compare a kid falling off a skateboard with innocents being tortured to death in Iraq.

And in my mind I thought "So God, why?"

And then the most amazing thing happened.

A bright light - for just an instant - shot across the equivalent on my vision of circa one meter. And a shiver went down my body. Lingering for about 45 seconds.

I was left with a feeling of wow. I am somewhat inebriated, but I saw that light. I first thought that maybe it was a jets afterburner. But actually I think that is not true. And as for a shooting star; I don't think so.

Mrs K and I are off to Rome early Monday. We are so excited. Apart from the fact that we have never been to Rome, our footie team is playing in the Champions League final, which we are going to. I have constructed a rough itinerary as follows....

1. Monday eve, mooch around and acclimatise to Rome.
2. Tue, visit the Vatican.
3. Wed, footie day (come on United!)
4. Thur, Coliseum and Pantheon
5. Fri, home.

I kind of think Rome might be a kind of religious experience. A feeling in my gut.

Finally I want to say that lately I haven't much been around blogland as I have been wrapped up in work (few long day trips to London) and I have been immersing myself in reading, playing my PSP and researching my ancestry. Kind of filling my mind methinks.

Doesnt mean that my affection is any less for you.

Anyway, I will leave you with this cartoon, which Kazza sent me....

This is what I ate on my birthday last month

I promised to post some holiday pictures from last month. This is my meagre offering!

Kahless' tip of the week #1

I thought I'd start an irregular series based on sharing my handy hints with you.

Tip #1: How to ensure no-one sits next to you on a train.

I was in London for meetings on Tuesday. Imagine a fairly packed commuter train. If (which is always!) I don't want some stranger sitting next to me on the train, I feign a bad cold. So when the train stops at a station and people board the carriage. Then get to work.

Cough over - but only half cover - the back of your hand. That way you are giving the signal that not only do you have a cold but also your not very hygienic. Next make nasal sounds by snorting. Continue in this vein; I think you get the gist. Unfortunately I can seem to fake sneezes, which would be the icing on the cake.

I found it worked very well this week, I guess the fears around swine flu improve the effectiveness of this technique, ensuring I get an extra wide berth.